“Out of My Mind Just in Time”~ Erykah Badu

THIS IS MY FINAL POST….

When I got this tumblr 13 months ago, i never thought it would have helped me get in touch with my self in the way that it did. in addition, i never would have thought that i would have had the privledge of discovering so many amazing and inspiring minds/people through this social network. this whole experience has truly been a blessing. so i thank all my followers and all the writers on the blogs that i have followed.

however, i am tired and i need a change. this blog has been an integral part of my recovery and discovery of self, but i believe it has run it’s course. tumblr no longer heals my feelings of confusion, frustration, disappointment (read: heartbreak) like it used to. i don’t know what will, but i think my time has come to step from behind the computer screen, go out into the world and channel all these emotions into something that could potentially bring about the change (progression maybe?) that i have been longing for. i believe there is an element of passivity in my blogging and i have a new found desire to be more active in my own development…i just really feel a urgency to jump start…everything.

thanks for a great year and if you have liked what you read here, don’t be afriad to holler: david.irwin88@gmail.com. im always open to connecting with others.

“Im so tired of this game/ it’s time for me to make some steps/ easy to blame somebody else”.

Stacie Orrico- “Is it Me?”

Trying to analyze every angle, situation
Trying to find an explanation
Cause it’s getting aggrivating
Why my relationships never seem to work out
Beginnin’ to worry and doubt
If I’m even able to detect he’s the one
When to stay or when to run
Why I haven’t seen the sun
Shine his light on my heart and help me ease the pain
Cause I’m getting tired of the rain

Falling on my heartbreak and I
Get my hopes up when I’m in love
Until we break up then I’m back to the
Same spot, I’ve been lonely, drowning
Cause every guy turns out to be the same
So now I’m questionin’ is it me to blame

[CHORUS:]
Is It Me? am I so complicated?
Is It Me? or is love over-rated?
Is It Me? cause I don’t quite understand
Why it never turns out how I thought I planned it
Is It Me? am I too independent?
Is It Me? not ready for commitment?
Is It Me? cause it doesn’t seem to last
And it’s the only question that I never asked

Maybe I’m longin’ for it more than I should be expecting
All the standards that I’m setting
Unrealistically I’m getting
Possibly in the way of what is left to have in store
Because I’m so confused and insecure
Cause when i know for certain everything is going wrong
I permitted to prolong
Tried my best to hold on
My Mister Right’s probably hanging round my window pane
While I look through only watching the rain

Falling on my heartbreak and I
Get my hopes up when I’m in love
Until we break up then I’m back to the
Same spot, I’ve been lonely, drowning
Cause every guy turns out to be the same
So now I’m questionin’ is it me to blame

[CHORUS]

Never thought it could be that its me
Till i realized I`m the only
Common factor and played a big part
In letting people break my heart
Never noticin’ I was wasting time
Asking the same thing every time
Who were you with? and where were you at?
Until I took the time to turn and look back

i am actually speechless.

im am done.

i dont have the strength to be angry. i dont have the strength to broach a discussion. im a simply tired. and im tired of being tired.

what does everything always have to fall apart? what is nothing ever stable? why am i always suffering a loss? fuck, fuck, fuck.

i haven’t cried in well over a year. i just haven’t been able to bring myself to do it. tonight might be the night that changes.

decisions. decisions.

decisions.

God is so funny. the past week and a half more or less, in one form or another He has been letting me know how emotionally difficult i am.

ill admit. most people, even those closest to me are disposable. they are disposable, not because i am careless, but bc i have no faith in people and no expectations. i don’t have expectations because i don’t believe or trust that most people, if any, are equipped to meet them. and so i go through the motions. i engage superficially with everyone in a way which quiets the loneliness but never really scratches the surface of the emptiness. i hide myself, i keep my feelings, my experiences bottled in and walk around being the center of attention, almost like the court jester. everyone loves it, everyone comes around to watch the spectacle and smile, but when i fall to the ground and shatter into a hundred pieces, in many cases i am left picking myself up alone.

now, some of that has to do with the fact that people are generally self-absorbed (or so i believe), but the bigger part of that has to do with the fact that i am not comfortable enough to express how im feeling inside from jump. i am not comfortable enough to really be vulnerable and let another help me put myself back together. i am guarded and bruised. i project past experiences where trust was broken onto you, before you even have an opportunity to show what you’re really about. and though that does prevent a lot of heart ache, it also blocks out a lot of great experiences and people. its not really fair that you have to pass an elaborate series of tests in order to get to something that you should be getting from start, and that is my true self.

so im trying something different. i am choosing to be more emotionally honest and open and work through my social discomfort, not only with a select few but with everyone. i am choosing to trust myself and my judgement when it comes to discerning bullshit in others. i will put up a wall only after you have proven yourself worthy of such treatment. and even then, if you are worth it, i will talk to you about it, and communicate with you so that you do not meet my wall. (sidenote: expect a post on “repairing current friendships/relationships” soon)

the world might become a much better place if im not entering situations with this barrier set up to distract. im becoming more conscious of my “smoke and mirrors”, and maybe putting them away (all together) will not only attract better people, but also bring out the best in some of the people who are already in my life that i refuse to engage with seriously for one reason or another.

we’ll see. 

“Doors left open make it easier for all kinds of shit to come in” ~j.dunn

recently ive become aware that i have an even harder time letting things (read: people) go than i initially thought.

the majority of my college life has been spent engaging in stop-and-starts with boys. we meet, everything’s fine, we stop/stall (for whatever reason) and instead of cutting ties and moving on completely, we both end up leaving the door open and the next thing i know im in roughly three-to-four off-and-on quasi-relationships at a time. then i become overly sensitive to thier feelings bc im feeling guilty for not giving one person my absolute undivided attention and i end up feeling dissatisfied and frustrated though seemingly i have all the options in the world which for all intensive purposes should have me elated. i didn’t realize i was doing that but i can’t do it anymore.

this weekend i had to have a conversation (the first of many uncomfortable conversations that im sure are on the horizon) with someone who i care about so deeply, telling him truth about how i was feeling seemed to hurt me more than it hurt him. for the past year or or so we have been operating in a very grey space. not exactly in a relationship, but by no stretch of the imagination were we just friends. many things kept us apart (namely time and space) but we were determined to wait it out bc in the moment we thought it was worth it.

well things changed for me. i realized the main thing keeping my from closing this door was no longer hope but fear. i feared following my heart and making another decision bc i feared hurting him and, selfish as it sounds, i like having options. i like attention, i like to be reaffirmed and i didn’t want to loose him or how valuable he made me feel. i realized months ago we were only going in circles. we were never going to be together (at least not in the immediate future). as i grow and continue to learn myself, i am beginning to see that nothing can stand in the way of me and my feelings. when i really want something, no matter what the obstacle i find a way to either get around it or adjust. in this circumstance, i was unwilling to do that. i kept searching for a reason to disinvest, something that was wrong with him or the situation as a whole. since i couldn’t find one, i just continued what we had and continued to pursue my other stop-and-start “relationships” all the while still looking for the love i have been waiting for much of my adult life. and for that i was wrong. i cheated him and i cheated me.

im making a promise to myself that i will not settle for less than butterflies. i need someone who gives me that little kick, deep down in the pit of my belly that makes me feel alive. i know how i want a man to make me feel and i dont care how nice you are, how educated you are, what your job is, if you aren’t giving me those feelings i have to go. i don’t need a reason to leave, i need a reason to stay. i need a reason to continue investing a believing. 

talking to him was hard, but it was the right thing to do. ive already examined my my platonic relationships and got rid or relationships that were not serving me and i need to begin to do that same thing with my romantic ones. there’s too much excess. too many “friendships” with no boundaries where any and everything seems up for grabs. the more energy i devote to these “borderless” relationships, the less energy i will have when i finally encounter that healthy, commited, nuturing, little kick in the pit of my stomach relationship i am looking for. hell, i may even miss it and lord knows, i can’t risk that.

so i guess this is me cleaning house. it hurts, its confusing and i don’t have a clear idea of what im doing. however i will follow my heart and pray that it leads me to where i long to be. (if it doesn’t ill cross that bridge when i get there)

alicewonder:

Muhsinah — Summer |  download

“You make me feel like its morning (morning)

But it’s well into the afternoon”

yesterday i went to a poetry event and Buddy Wakefield (the featured poet) told us to tell ourselves the first truth that came to our minds without thinking about it. in no time my mind whispered a resounding “David, you are beautiful”.

then he told us to tell ourselves the first lie that came into our heads and almost just as fast mind screamed, “I’M OVER YOU!”.

*sigh* the jig is up.

i love you. you know this, i know this. it’s nothing new. but im beginning to understand that loving you and wanting you in my life are two completely different things. two things that i have not been able to separate until now.

when you popped up last week apologizing for being an asshole, telling me that you had been thinking about me, telling me how were having dreams of us having sex, though my shock may have masked it, none of that made me feel good. it actually hurt. it hurt bc once again it showed me how adament you are about being in my life knowing that you have no intentions of providing a safe space for my heart. i broke up with you (the first time) two years ago last week bc you were not good for me. and i told you that. but you do not care what is good for me and you have showed that. you know i love you and you know that in my love for you i am powerless. so you toy with me to get what you need/want from me at the moment. you toy with me so that i am always waiting for you and ready to move at your convenience. and i guess all of a sudden it was a convenient time for you to start to tell me how you feel. and i guess i was suppose to respond accordingly and give you even more access to my heart while you give me nothing but a false sense of belonging in return.

i say this with the utmost sincerity. i say this with every thing i have and ever will have in life: FUCK YOU.

fuck you.

fuck you.

fuck YOU.

you are selfish, you are rotten, you are mean, you are manipulative and careless. don’t tell me you care. don’t tell me youre are sorry, its all game and im tired of losing. just crawl into a whole and stay there. thats where you belong because you are far beyond low.

in my heart i know im not over you. maybe i never will be. there i said it. you happy now? chances are your name, your face will forever be etched into my heart like a birthmark, but i am worth SO much more than you have given me these past 3 years. and im worth so much more than what I have been giving myself these past three years. if i could, i would take us both into a back ally and kick BOTH our asses for allowing this to go on this fucking long.

leaving you will hurt. i know this bc leaving you has hurt. i know that on those occasions that your face runs across my mind i will momentarily feel empty; like im missing something. the sound of your name may cause my thoughts to race even years from now but i cant control any of that. what i can control however is what i allow you to do to me and what i allow into my life. i can’t let you toy with me like this when you know i love you. it hurts too much. im worth too much. i will never get the closure i need from you so the closure that i get from myself will have to be enough.

if it makes me pathetic that i still love you and am still not over you three years later, ill be that. ill be the loser, ill be emotional, ill be the one who loves to hard. but i will not be the ass upon which you lay all your burdens. i will not be your footstool. and since you will never create a safe space for my heart, ill do it my damn self. out of necessity, i will be the one who officially moves on and leaves it all behind. at least one of us has to.

instead of trying to change the past, instead of hoping for a better future, in stead of waiting on you, trying to change you and casting all my hopes and dreams on you, im pitching them on me on pressing onward.

so, kiss my sculpted black ass, i love you and goodbye.