March 2010
13 posts
“Out of My Mind Just in Time”~ Erykah...
Stacie Orrico- “Is it Me?”
Trying to...
everything falls apart
i am actually speechless.
im am done.
i dont have the strength to be angry. i dont have the strength to broach a discussion. im a simply tired. and im tired of being tired.
what does everything always have to fall apart? what is nothing ever stable? why am i always suffering a loss? fuck, fuck, fuck.
i haven’t cried in well over a year. i just haven’t been able to bring myself to...
build a trust
decisions. decisions.
decisions.
God is so funny. the past week and a half more or less, in one form or another He has been letting me know how emotionally difficult i am.
ill admit. most people, even those closest to me are disposable. they are disposable, not because i am careless, but bc i have no faith in people and no expectations. i don’t have expectations because i don’t...
“The doors we open and close each day decide the lives we live.”
– Flora Whittemore (via kari-shma) (via quote-book)
cleaning house
“Doors left open make it easier for all kinds of shit to come in” ~j.dunn
recently ive become aware that i have an even harder time letting things (read: people) go than i initially thought.
the majority of my college life has been spent engaging in stop-and-starts with boys. we meet, everything’s fine, we stop/stall (for whatever reason) and instead of cutting ties and moving...
leave it all behind
yesterday i went to a poetry event and Buddy Wakefield (the featured poet) told us to tell ourselves the first truth that came to our minds without thinking about it. in no time my mind whispered a resounding “David, you are beautiful”.
then he told us to tell ourselves the first lie that came into our heads and almost just as fast mind screamed, “I’M OVER YOU!”.
...
davidirwin.bandcamp.com
FREE Download of my first album. Support if you can!
educatedblackfemale:
“Imagine Me”- Kirk...
“Some people never say the words ‘I love you’. It’s not their style to be so...”
– Paul Simon (via kari-shma) (via quote-book)
February 2010
20 posts
acrostic haiku #1
Simply amazing
Im glad you have chosen to
Let me in your heart
(thank you.
thank you.
thank you….)
yesterday
yesterday i finished the album i was working on. this is the first time ive felt proud since summer. it feels good to feel capable again. it feels good to have achieved a goal that i didn’t think i could achieve and wanted to give up on in the initial stages. my self-esteem needed this. im going to release it in two weeks and give it away for free.
yesterday (before i finished the album),...
so apparently...
my blog turned 1 today.
exactly one year ago today, i started the dream factory because i was having horrible nightmares nightly and i wanted to document them in hopes that i could somehow make sense of what was going on in my head.
it was also an attempt to prevent me from harboring toxic emotions, so i guess this was supposed to be a dumping ground more or less.
i made a promise to myself...
in control
yesterday i was talking to my best friend and i was saying how i felt like my life was spiraling out of control. she corrected me and said that my life is not out of control, but rather too in control. that statement really resonated with me then, and today it serves as something almost akin to a wake up call. my life is literally running me into the ground.
i can’t breathe. i barely even...
Letter to Myself,
chasingbirds:
From yesterday. Fill in the blanks:
I just want to prove _________.
I am going to live in _________.
I am going to be _________.
I am going to write _________.
I am going to learn _________.
I am going to be happy.
Happy Valentine’s Day.
that i have the power to make all my dreams come true.
peace.
seen, heard, loved, appreciated & enjoyed.
the words my mouth...
best. facebook post. ever!
*from my bestest friend in the world*
Happy Valentine’s Day David John, I didn’t know the meaning of a best friend until you came into my life. You are so loving, understanding, and the most genuine person I have ever met. You are my Best Friend Forever and you’re just stuck with me now. Love, Paula Lynette
(I feel the same way. I love you too Paula :])
vday
this weekend i had no valentine
received no candy
no flowers
no sex
and had no date.
normally
this would have only reinforced my feelings of
inadequacy
rejection
and
isolation.
but
i have not felt this loved in quite some time
so thank you
paula
johnathan & chelsea
joshua
jessica & elinel
carmen, penny & karima
it really means a lot.
seriously
620. TEXT MESSAGES WIN SMILES, TELEPHONE CALLS WIN...
gotwisdom:
SOMETIMES PEOPLE NEED TO HEAR YOUR VOICE.
YEESSSSSSS!!!!
“When you’re a little kid you’re a bit of everything; Scientist, Philosopher,...”
– The Wonder Years (via quote-book)
note to self #1
*an idea a friend gave me and also an effort to keep myself from crying because im at work and that would be unprofessional*
dearest me,
first let me tell that i love you. unconditionally. and no matter what the next few months post-college hold i will continue to do so bc i have spent far too many years treating your poorly and discouraging you bc i was unaware of your power and your...
“We don’t know who we are until we see what we can do.”
– Martha Grime (via julie911) (via quote-book)
"a delay..."
i have had an urge to cry the past few days, but something inside me won’t break and allow for that to happen. im not depressed. im anxious/overwhelmed. i need a release. though extreme (for me), crying would at least be a healthy one.
sometimes i wonder if i see myself clearly. i wish i had as much objectivity with my own life as i seem to have with everyone elses. im trying my hardest to...
“Relationships - of all kinds - are like sand held in your hand. Held loosely,...”
– Kaleel Jamison (Submitted by itumbleon.tumblr.com) (via quote-book)
confession #5
weirdly enough, something about the way you look at me makes me want to run both to and from you at the same time.
random list 2.6.10
ive been really busy the past three weeks or so since school started. i picked up another part time job so im working bout 30 hours a week, im taking 12 credits which feels like a lot (though i was taking 20 credits like it was cake a few semesters ago), im still trying to find a REAL job after for post graduation this may (which may as well be a full-time job in and of itself), im determined to...
confession #4
sometimes, i discuss other people’s pain/hardship with those new to my life as a way of testing them. its my way of gauging how in tuned they are with their emotions in the the hopes that they will express empathy, pass my test, and i will then be able to open up and really lay myself out on the table.
i harbor a lot of pain, a lot of shame, a lot of guilt and a lot of sorrow....
i've decided
for an indefinite amount of time, i am going to alter my interactions with people and create some boundaries. i need to step back from all the distractions and obstructions in my life for a moment and re-examine and refocus. i need to do some deep spiritual and emotional work.
i don’t know what im looking for, but i know i need space and change. my circle is about to become even closer than...
January 2010
19 posts
simply put
today is a day where i need someone (anyone who has any love in their heart for me) to hold me. not hug, but hold. nothing more, nothing less, although a slow rock back and forth would be nice as well.
i need someone to wrap themselves around me almost to the point of suffocation. that would make me feel better (and momentarily less alone).
downtrodden
tonight i got so enraged my chest and stomach felt like they were on fire.
i am realizing more and more each day that i lack guidance. i have always had purpose and direction, but without guidance i have been unable to channel that into anything productive. i am graduating college this may, i need to get my life on track and get this music thing moving, but i cannot do it alone. im doubtful. im...
“Most of us are about as eager to be changed as we were to be born, and go...”
– ~James Balwin
who'd have thought
so yesterday, a friend of mine told me the security guard in my building used to play with Parliament as well as Zapp & Roger. today i confronted him about it, verified that it was true, and essentially asked him all these questions about his life and his music. when told me he plays bass, trumpet, saxophone and guitar my insides jumped like an inner city youth at a water park.
eventually, i...
Boudoir Synema: The Great Mistapes
why was i not notified that j*davey released another album last month? i know too many j*davey babies to not recieve information about this GLORIOUS occassion! how rude!
you can stream the album (as well as download it for free) here
what a great start to the hump day.
convenient truth
tonight i saw an (i guess at this point) “old” friend of mine who i drifted away from bc, in short, he withheld truth and used me.
as i was leaving we spoke briefly. small talk nothing serious. and out of no where as i hugged him goodbye, a string of “real talk” jumped from my mouth:
“just bc whatever we had ended on bad terms doesnt mean we still can’t be...
You Turn Me On (Labelle Cover)
Performed,...
i guess its maturity
recently ive been feeling sort of free spirited. not in a “i don’t have anything to worry about” kind of way (chile, i wish), but ive noticed that ive been much less insecure about…well everything.
today, i was in ballet and these boys (or at least one specifically) was talking shit. and i know he was talking shit because i could smell it. there was a pungent scent every...
“You give me everything I need/ You feed my spirit/ You don’t even have to...”
– ~ “Going Down Makes Me Shiver” by Labelle
august rush
i just finished watching this movie at work (i know, im wild). by far one of the best movies i have seen in a while. an instant favorite. if i wasn’t at work, there were points where i probably would have cried.
its about an orphan boy who uses his love of music and talent to find his musician parents who are estranged from both him and each other. in the end, it is music which reunites...
confession #3
for the past two months i have been seeing (and slowly falling for) a man who is fifteen years my senior and white.
for the past two months, i have been so self-conscious when it comes to talking about him and being affectionate with him in public. there was always this fear of what other people (even those closest to me) would think. from the outside looking in, it is so easy to think that one...
i think i really like him
i have not laid eyes on him, touched or kissed him in three weeks. mere phone calls and emails are all i have had to keep me.
i am so far beyond horny and sexually frustrated these words have gone from adjectives to parts of my identity. much of our time apart i have wished that i could drop my dick off at the doctors office for an overnight stay just to keep myself out of trouble.
and...
bc i didn't feel like getting out of bed...
i just spent the last hour facebook stalking people from high school.
after getting over the initial shock that most of these people I have not seen in at least four years, I realized two things:
1) at the time, my high school was probably about a tenth the size of Columbia University Undergrad but was at least ten times more diverse. (CU has racial diversity but there is very little...
i’ve always loved LaBelle, but it wasn’t until i reached back for thier music as a young adult about 6 weeks ago that i realized how cutting edge, sexual and simply wonderful Patti, Sarah and Nona are.
“I cum like a pouring rain
Each time you call my name
It’s good when your doing whatcha doing
It’s good when youre doing whatcha doing”
~from “You...