tonight i got so enraged my chest and stomach felt like they were on fire.

i am realizing more and more each day that i lack guidance. i have always had purpose and direction, but without guidance i have been unable to channel that into anything productive. i am graduating college this may, i need to get my life on track and get this music thing moving, but i cannot do it alone. im doubtful. im not sure if i will ever be all i can be without the guidance or support of someone who has the patience and skill to help me set somethings into motion. am i asking for too much? i know where i want to be, but im not sure if i can get there on my own. i just…i feel scatterbrained and isolated. more so than usual.

the anger hit me when i realized there has never been a time in my life when i have not felt unguided. for as long as i can remember, i have more or less been caught out there having to figure things out on my own. my mother is simple & vain, my father is selfish & negligent and the one person who loved me and reared/raised me, mrs. washington, was simply too old too do anything other than love me. (sidebar: i am in no way ungrateful for all she has done for me. i’d be dead without her, im sure). and i am well aware i could have turned out a lot worse, but im tired. i am really fucking tired and disillusioned.

and im tired of always being reduced to a forsaken child. whether im ten or 21 its all merely a variation on the central theme; the theme of me being lost. i need guidance. i need guidance. i need guidance.

sometimes everything i do feels like its in vain and i want to punch a wall. im having one of those moments right now. i need some answers, or if nothing else some progress that sticks. some progress that i can build upon.