sometimes, i discuss other people’s pain/hardship with those new to my life as a way of testing them. its my way of gauging how in tuned they are with their emotions in the the hopes that they will express empathy, pass my test, and i will then be able to open up and really lay myself out on the table.

i harbor a lot of pain, a lot of shame, a lot of guilt and a lot of sorrow. coincidentally, pain, shame, guilt and sorrow are all the things that make other people uncomfortable and force the harborer of these emotions (read: me) to bottle them up and disengage. i no longer want to disengage, but at the same time, my emotions are to fragile to have my vulnerability accepted with anything other than open arms.

so i test you. if you shivel up at or disregard someone else’s trouble, i know there is no way in hell i can stand in front of you bare my soul. i adjust my level of commitment and interest accordingly.

ill admit, in the initial testing you fucked up. your lack of empathy (towards granted a stranger, but someone very dear to me) made me start a laundry list in my head of everything you would NEVER hear about. but you redeemed yourself by calling back and clarifying. it showed you sensed the shift. it showed you were present, you care and you are invested.

i’m still not rushing to let you see what’s behind my exterior, but my vulnerable self is not off the table…yet.