- ive been really busy the past three weeks or so since school started. i picked up another part time job so im working bout 30 hours a week, im taking 12 credits which feels like a lot (though i was taking 20 credits like it was cake a few semesters ago), im still trying to find a REAL job after for post graduation this may (which may as well be a full-time job in and of itself), im determined to finish my mixtape/sampler/demo/album by next month (almost there) and social obligation seems to be at an all time high. im overwhelmed.
- though im busy, im not yet able to discern if its the productive kind of busy. its too early to tell. i REALLY hope it is. sometimes i get irritated because i barely have time for myself and im not yet convinced that all the sacrifices i am making will amount to anything more than a rough semester. i hope, i pray, i believe that all of my efforts, energy and hard work are not in vain. something magnificent is coming my way.
- ive been getting a lot better at networking which has never been one of my strong points. through my most recent job (im a marketing assistant), i got two real connects to producers who are willing to talk to me and give me some semblance of guidance (praise God!) although im sure it’ll only be a one time/short term thing. either way its better than nothing. one of them i have never heard of, but the other one, Gamble (from Gamble and Huff), produced most of Teddy Pendergrass’ stuff. im intimidated but i will not allow myself to shrivel up and not pursue these leads.
- ive been really anti-social. the closer i get to graduation, and the fuller my schedule gets, i have less and less energy to be around a lot of people. im in a place right now where if i am spending time with you, it has to be because i like (if not love) you, and you are adding additional joy to my day. i can’t just be around people who i am not invested in on a deep level simply because they are nice. nice doesn’t cut it anymore.
- im really learning what friendship is. someone can’t be my friend simply because they are nice and they make me laugh. that just doesn’t cut it anymore. i need trust and i need to be able to talk to a friend about a range of things without any inhibitions. that’s not to say i only want to have a series of heavy conversations, but i want to be able to do that if i need to. i want friendships where i feel like i am building with someone. if i don’t forsee myself talking to you post-undergrad, im honestly no so invested in talking to you now. (especially given my lack of “free time”).
- last night i slept 11 hours. i was really really exhausted. and i still feel tired. i wish i could lay on a couch in some ball shorts and a wife beater under a blanket with my dog tangled up between my limbs while watching tv. that would make me so happy right now.
- i forget how much hair i have until i take my braids out. i haven’t really had my hair out for more than like four days since Thanksgiving. i can’t wait for the weather to break so i can put away these hats and let set my wild hair free.
- sometimes i wonder why people have such a hard time letting me go? the more unhealthy the friendship, relationship etc. the harder it becomes for me to break free. if neither of us was happy, what is there to hold on to? what do we need to discuss? im confused.
- as stated previously i know that i don’t have an abundance or free time. i know im spread thin and i know you are too, but that doesn’t stop me from needing quality time. if having needs makes me needy, then so be it, but at the end of the day that doesn’t stop me from feeling…this weird mix of being attached and unattached simultanously every time we interact . a conversation must be had bc i dont know you well enough to figure out how much of a priority i am to you based off of your actions. i don’t know you well enough to figure out what you want from me in this moment. so in turn i end up giving you everything so that all my bases are covered. i can’t. its too taxing. and i don’t want to waste time thinking about you and what i want to do for you if you aren’t thinking the same in regards to me. all i know is that i really like you, and i really care but i can only continue to be your suitor if there is some type of progression. i do not tolerate stasis or perpetual shades of grey. im too old and too bruised. and fuck, sometimes i just need to feel support. sometimes i just need to feel the comfort of belonging to someone or something in a way that is not based on control or ownership.
- my head is racing. i feel like i could go on forever with these bullet points, but at the risk of getting sad, im going to stop here.
Notes
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