- i have had an urge to cry the past few days, but something inside me won’t break and allow for that to happen. im not depressed. im anxious/overwhelmed. i need a release. though extreme (for me), crying would at least be a healthy one.
- sometimes i wonder if i see myself clearly. i wish i had as much objectivity with my own life as i seem to have with everyone elses. im trying my hardest to believe that though it may not seem like it, i am making a lot of progress in terms of setting up a life for myself after graduation. im trying to tell myself that i am acquiring even more skills and building even more contacts that will lead to something. i am trying to tell myself that i am right on track. but sometimes i feel like a fucking failure.
- thank God for the gym and masturbation. those are at least two guaranteed points in my day when/where i know i won’t feel like shit. i guess it’s better than nothing.
- im wondering if maybe i need to change my thinking. ive been believing that going back to philly post undergrad would equate to me having failed. i had to move heaven and hell to get off my block, out of the projects, out of my dysfunctional family and im not sure if i can do that again. i feel like if i go back, i would be going back for good and that possibility is what makes me so anxious and afraid. i just feel that after having going though a tumultuous past four years of college, and having worked so hard and grown so much, i deserve better than that. i deserve a chance. i deserve change. but if going back to north philly and going back to the hood is what’s in the cards for me momentarily post-ugrad then so be it. maybe escaping it a second time, won’t be as hard. (*jesus keep me near the cross. all my strength comes from you.*)
- it’s in times like these, when i feel emotions like these, that i remember why i used to cut myself. for all those years cutting used to draw me out of myself and momentarily transport me to another place where there was nothing was pressing and there was nothing to fear. it used to feel like time would stop and allow me to catch my breath. but overtime, even that stopped working, hence why i moved on to drugs/alcohol and later sexual addiction. i wonder what my addiction is now? im making a conscious decision NOT to turn him into my next one. i don’t want to mess this up.
- since ive been on a MIA for about the last three months (especially in the last few weeks) trying to make moves and secure some sort of future for myself, i haven’t been reaching out to people as i tend to normally. it’s been interesting to see who has felt/noticed my absence and checked in. it has shown me who is a friend and who is merely an associate/just someone i talk to when i see them. the past few days i took like forty numbers out of my phone. i feel lighter and brighter.
- the closer i get to completing this album, the more excited i get. im really starting to see what im made of. though this has been a very difficult process, it has given me faith not only in my musical abilities, but it has solidified my general faith in myself. this has all been an exercise of my own volition and i am really starting to see and believe that i can make things happen for myself with little to no guidance or support from anyone other than the lord.
- yesterday at work, i was talking to this woman at my job about how i feel like im working so hard and nothing is sticking. it seems like everything im doing is in vain. she responded, “a delay is better than a disaster”. in the moment it was very sobering. maybe im not ready for all im hoping for. maybe when i am ready for all i am working for and towards, it will begin to develope and come my way.
1:47 pm, by sacredpiecesofme
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