yesterday i was talking to my best friend and i was saying how i felt like my life was spiraling out of control. she corrected me and said that my life is not out of control, but rather too in control. that statement really resonated with me then, and today it serves as something almost akin to a wake up call. my life is literally running me into the ground.

i can’t breathe. i barely even have room or time to think due to all the things i have on my plate right now. what makes it worse is that, unlike before, the things i am trying to manage aren’t things like, “oh im taking this really hard class this semester, and i am member of this big organization” etc. etc. with things like those there is a definite end and i feel like it is a little bit easier to gauge any type of progress you are making. currently, everything i am bending over backwards to do at the moment is all for my “future” (fuck i hate that word right now) and in turn, there is no definite ending and right now there is no way to tell if anything im doing is ultimately going to pay off. i could be applying to jobs i have no chance of getting, working jobs i have no chance of keeping, putting effort into dreams that i may not really have a chance of realizing.

and that is what is depressing and scary. that is what keeps me up at night. my life calls for an abundance of faith right now. an abundance of faith that i honestly do not have at the moment.

i wish my immediate future was like an extended college seminar. i wish my future came with a syllabus. not only so that i could know what was coming, but so that i could know that i was moving forward. forward. forward. FORWARD. and that is what i need. that is what would give me peace of mind. i wish a positive force would just move it’s way through my life and place me where i need to be at the moment. i wish i had the capabilities to be that force for myself, as opposed to feeling like im just spinning my wheels in place.

under normal circumstances, i would sit down and prioritize so that i could figure out what’s important and remove other things from my life that are not. but i can’t even do that this time bc i can’t tell what is important when i have not reaped the fruits of any of my labor. as of right now, everything looks like a losing game. but i know that’s not true. it’s just can’t be.