- yesterday i finished the album i was working on. this is the first time ive felt proud since summer. it feels good to feel capable again. it feels good to have achieved a goal that i didn’t think i could achieve and wanted to give up on in the initial stages. my self-esteem needed this. im going to release it in two weeks and give it away for free.
- yesterday (before i finished the album), i almost cried. what stopped me wasn’t shame or embarrassment, but rather the fact that i was in the middle of something and didn’t have any space in my schedule for any expression of raw emotion. it was weird because, had i cried, it would have been the first time that i had cried from both joy and sadness simultaneously.
- yesterday old history bubbled up to the surface. for some reason, it hit me how long it has been since ive cut myself. like really hit me and i engaged with it. whenever someone asks me about my scars, im always honest and i let them know i was a cutter, but im never asked why. and i haven’t been asked why in years (or maybe ever) so as time has passed, i sort of forgot what i was going through from the ages of 3 to 16 when i was doing this. my cutting was a coping mechanism to deal with both the physical and sexual abuse/ molestation i was facing, and it was also a way for me to deal with the fact that i was gay. and these are things i have never really thought about since i stopped. for whatever reason all of this stuff hit me at once and i wanted to cry because i was so sad and so angry that i had to experience all of that, but also because i was so happy that am in a completely different place now. and im not talking out of the hood and in college. fuck that. im talking about being in a place where i love myself unapologetically. when i look back on how i was consistently saturated in self-hatred, becoming the person that i am today seemed completely beyond my capabilities. this too gave me pride.
- yesterday i also realized my birthday is in less than two weeks. i always get depressed around my birthday in most cases. for two reasons: 1) it reminds me that a year as gone by and i am just as far from where i want to be as i was last year and 2) people don’t meet my expectations. but this year i have made a lot of progress on all fronts and i have no intentions of planning anything big. i spend 364 days of my year, rushing, planning, organizing and i am not doing that in any capacity on my birthday. me and my best friend will shoot the shit and see where life takes us.
- yesterday i texted “the dutchman” (see: confession #3) to let him know that i had finished the album and he called me. the reason why i didn’t call him in the first place was bc it was like 1am at this point and i assumed he was sleep. however, i never call him and that’s bc 1) i feel like he’s always busy and i don’t want to be a nuisance and 2) our conversations on the phone lack something that our ones in person have. last time i saw him we actually talked for like 3 hours straight uninterrupted with our attention solely on each other. it seemed so natural. on the phone though, when he calls me it feels like an interview almost. our conversations always have a purpose and once we finish talking about that one thing he’s ready to go. i know this sounds stupid but this is reeeally annoying. generally im not a phone person, but i need a little more from our phone conversations bc as of right now they make me feel like im a task on a list of things to. and i don’t like that feeling. when i find the courage, im going to call him, with no specific agenda and we’ll see how it goes over.
10:58 am, by sacredpiecesofme
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Notes
