yesterday i went to a poetry event and Buddy Wakefield (the featured poet) told us to tell ourselves the first truth that came to our minds without thinking about it. in no time my mind whispered a resounding “David, you are beautiful”.

then he told us to tell ourselves the first lie that came into our heads and almost just as fast mind screamed, “I’M OVER YOU!”.

*sigh* the jig is up.

i love you. you know this, i know this. it’s nothing new. but im beginning to understand that loving you and wanting you in my life are two completely different things. two things that i have not been able to separate until now.

when you popped up last week apologizing for being an asshole, telling me that you had been thinking about me, telling me how were having dreams of us having sex, though my shock may have masked it, none of that made me feel good. it actually hurt. it hurt bc once again it showed me how adament you are about being in my life knowing that you have no intentions of providing a safe space for my heart. i broke up with you (the first time) two years ago last week bc you were not good for me. and i told you that. but you do not care what is good for me and you have showed that. you know i love you and you know that in my love for you i am powerless. so you toy with me to get what you need/want from me at the moment. you toy with me so that i am always waiting for you and ready to move at your convenience. and i guess all of a sudden it was a convenient time for you to start to tell me how you feel. and i guess i was suppose to respond accordingly and give you even more access to my heart while you give me nothing but a false sense of belonging in return.

i say this with the utmost sincerity. i say this with every thing i have and ever will have in life: FUCK YOU.

fuck you.

fuck you.

fuck YOU.

you are selfish, you are rotten, you are mean, you are manipulative and careless. don’t tell me you care. don’t tell me youre are sorry, its all game and im tired of losing. just crawl into a whole and stay there. thats where you belong because you are far beyond low.

in my heart i know im not over you. maybe i never will be. there i said it. you happy now? chances are your name, your face will forever be etched into my heart like a birthmark, but i am worth SO much more than you have given me these past 3 years. and im worth so much more than what I have been giving myself these past three years. if i could, i would take us both into a back ally and kick BOTH our asses for allowing this to go on this fucking long.

leaving you will hurt. i know this bc leaving you has hurt. i know that on those occasions that your face runs across my mind i will momentarily feel empty; like im missing something. the sound of your name may cause my thoughts to race even years from now but i cant control any of that. what i can control however is what i allow you to do to me and what i allow into my life. i can’t let you toy with me like this when you know i love you. it hurts too much. im worth too much. i will never get the closure i need from you so the closure that i get from myself will have to be enough.

if it makes me pathetic that i still love you and am still not over you three years later, ill be that. ill be the loser, ill be emotional, ill be the one who loves to hard. but i will not be the ass upon which you lay all your burdens. i will not be your footstool. and since you will never create a safe space for my heart, ill do it my damn self. out of necessity, i will be the one who officially moves on and leaves it all behind. at least one of us has to.

instead of trying to change the past, instead of hoping for a better future, in stead of waiting on you, trying to change you and casting all my hopes and dreams on you, im pitching them on me on pressing onward.

so, kiss my sculpted black ass, i love you and goodbye.