“Doors left open make it easier for all kinds of shit to come in” ~j.dunn

recently ive become aware that i have an even harder time letting things (read: people) go than i initially thought.

the majority of my college life has been spent engaging in stop-and-starts with boys. we meet, everything’s fine, we stop/stall (for whatever reason) and instead of cutting ties and moving on completely, we both end up leaving the door open and the next thing i know im in roughly three-to-four off-and-on quasi-relationships at a time. then i become overly sensitive to thier feelings bc im feeling guilty for not giving one person my absolute undivided attention and i end up feeling dissatisfied and frustrated though seemingly i have all the options in the world which for all intensive purposes should have me elated. i didn’t realize i was doing that but i can’t do it anymore.

this weekend i had to have a conversation (the first of many uncomfortable conversations that im sure are on the horizon) with someone who i care about so deeply, telling him truth about how i was feeling seemed to hurt me more than it hurt him. for the past year or or so we have been operating in a very grey space. not exactly in a relationship, but by no stretch of the imagination were we just friends. many things kept us apart (namely time and space) but we were determined to wait it out bc in the moment we thought it was worth it.

well things changed for me. i realized the main thing keeping my from closing this door was no longer hope but fear. i feared following my heart and making another decision bc i feared hurting him and, selfish as it sounds, i like having options. i like attention, i like to be reaffirmed and i didn’t want to loose him or how valuable he made me feel. i realized months ago we were only going in circles. we were never going to be together (at least not in the immediate future). as i grow and continue to learn myself, i am beginning to see that nothing can stand in the way of me and my feelings. when i really want something, no matter what the obstacle i find a way to either get around it or adjust. in this circumstance, i was unwilling to do that. i kept searching for a reason to disinvest, something that was wrong with him or the situation as a whole. since i couldn’t find one, i just continued what we had and continued to pursue my other stop-and-start “relationships” all the while still looking for the love i have been waiting for much of my adult life. and for that i was wrong. i cheated him and i cheated me.

im making a promise to myself that i will not settle for less than butterflies. i need someone who gives me that little kick, deep down in the pit of my belly that makes me feel alive. i know how i want a man to make me feel and i dont care how nice you are, how educated you are, what your job is, if you aren’t giving me those feelings i have to go. i don’t need a reason to leave, i need a reason to stay. i need a reason to continue investing a believing. 

talking to him was hard, but it was the right thing to do. ive already examined my my platonic relationships and got rid or relationships that were not serving me and i need to begin to do that same thing with my romantic ones. there’s too much excess. too many “friendships” with no boundaries where any and everything seems up for grabs. the more energy i devote to these “borderless” relationships, the less energy i will have when i finally encounter that healthy, commited, nuturing, little kick in the pit of my stomach relationship i am looking for. hell, i may even miss it and lord knows, i can’t risk that.

so i guess this is me cleaning house. it hurts, its confusing and i don’t have a clear idea of what im doing. however i will follow my heart and pray that it leads me to where i long to be. (if it doesn’t ill cross that bridge when i get there)