decisions. decisions.

decisions.

God is so funny. the past week and a half more or less, in one form or another He has been letting me know how emotionally difficult i am.

ill admit. most people, even those closest to me are disposable. they are disposable, not because i am careless, but bc i have no faith in people and no expectations. i don’t have expectations because i don’t believe or trust that most people, if any, are equipped to meet them. and so i go through the motions. i engage superficially with everyone in a way which quiets the loneliness but never really scratches the surface of the emptiness. i hide myself, i keep my feelings, my experiences bottled in and walk around being the center of attention, almost like the court jester. everyone loves it, everyone comes around to watch the spectacle and smile, but when i fall to the ground and shatter into a hundred pieces, in many cases i am left picking myself up alone.

now, some of that has to do with the fact that people are generally self-absorbed (or so i believe), but the bigger part of that has to do with the fact that i am not comfortable enough to express how im feeling inside from jump. i am not comfortable enough to really be vulnerable and let another help me put myself back together. i am guarded and bruised. i project past experiences where trust was broken onto you, before you even have an opportunity to show what you’re really about. and though that does prevent a lot of heart ache, it also blocks out a lot of great experiences and people. its not really fair that you have to pass an elaborate series of tests in order to get to something that you should be getting from start, and that is my true self.

so im trying something different. i am choosing to be more emotionally honest and open and work through my social discomfort, not only with a select few but with everyone. i am choosing to trust myself and my judgement when it comes to discerning bullshit in others. i will put up a wall only after you have proven yourself worthy of such treatment. and even then, if you are worth it, i will talk to you about it, and communicate with you so that you do not meet my wall. (sidenote: expect a post on “repairing current friendships/relationships” soon)

the world might become a much better place if im not entering situations with this barrier set up to distract. im becoming more conscious of my “smoke and mirrors”, and maybe putting them away (all together) will not only attract better people, but also bring out the best in some of the people who are already in my life that i refuse to engage with seriously for one reason or another.

we’ll see.